I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
