ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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