I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm too high and old for this...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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