so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
