I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
