My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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