Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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