You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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