OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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