Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
