I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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