dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
