You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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