I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
