Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
