I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my being single is dangerous.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
