he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
