Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He shit in the fireplace
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
