Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
