You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
