I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
