1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
