Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
