Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
