Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
