Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
