I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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