I'm really into asian looking animals
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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