I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
