Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
