I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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