he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
