Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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