someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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