even my farts smell like vagina
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
