I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
