He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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