Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
