Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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