just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
