I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
