i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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