He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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