I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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