dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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