Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
