You smell like a Billy Joel song
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
