Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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