mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
