Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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