Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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