Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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