I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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